“Narcissism” – might just be the buzzword of the decade. This word gets thrown around all the time as sort of a catch all term for someone who is self-involved and overconfident in themselves. Narcissism is becoming more prevalent, thanks to social media that provides constant self-promotion and instant validation through likes, comments, and followers. It encourages people to cultivate a “perfect” image all while rewarding grandiosity and self-centered behavior, which can lead to increased narcissistic traits. But narcissism goes much further than that girl we all know posting her Instagram selfies on the daily. Psychologists say narcissistic personality disorder is more than just overconfidence–it can ultimately lead to reduced empathy over time, toxic environments, and emotional abuse.
So, what is it?
The word ‘narcissism’ comes from the Greek myth of a boy named Narcissus. He was known for his extraordinary beauty and vanity. Narcissus rejected the advances of all women and men who approached him so the gods fated that Narcissus could never have anything that he loved. One day while Narcissus was hunting, he went to get a drink and as he bent down to drink the water, he fell in love with the reflection of himself. The story has it, that he eventually dies and transforms into the narcissus flower (aka daffodil).
My fascination and intrigue with researching and understanding narcissism came in adulthood. I started coming across these ‘toxic’ personality types everywhere: in my workforce, to former family members, in the dating world, and especially when I moved to Southern California. Being the empathetic person, I am, I have always tried to understand people so a handful of years back, when I was researching why someone was acting a certain way, I came across Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Dr. Ramani is a licensed clinical psychologist, has a private practice in Santa Monica, CA, and is a leading expert on narcissism that pushes narcissism is not just a disorder, but an actual personality type. She has an informative channel on YouTube and three leading books: Don’t you know who I am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Should I Stay or Should I Go?, and her most recent It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.
Dr. Ramani notes that narcissism arises from a combination of biological temperament and environmental conditions, most notably childhood trauma, neglect, or erratic parenting. Many people view narcissism as having an inflated self-esteem and grandiosity. However, this is the biggest misconception because it’s actually a disorder of insecurity and self-esteem. People with narcissism are often the most insecure people in the room, but as a defensive mask for their deep insecurity and emptiness, they have established a way showing themselves as anything but. Essentially, they are good actors.
Narcissism is characterized by the “Four Pillars”: a rigid pattern of entitlement, grandiosity, low empathy, and a constant need for admiration.
- Chronic Entitlement: Expecting special treatment and automatic compliance with their expectations.
- Grandiosity: An inflated, arrogant sense of self-importance; believing they are special and superior.
- Low Empathy: An inability or unwillingness to recognize or care about the feelings and needs of others.
- Constant need for Admiration: A constant requirement for validation, praise, and attention to prop up their fragile ego.
*Individuals with narcissistic personalities frequently exhibit an obsessive fixation on superficiality such as looks, materialism, money, and status. These external factors act as tools to fuel their need for admiration, mask deep-seated insecurities, and maintain a facade of superiority and control.
Other behaviors might look like: selfishness, rage/dysregulation, manipulation/control, and surface level relationships. Note: You don’t have to exhibit all of the behaviors below in order to be narcissistic or have narcissistic traits:
- Selfishness: They believe they are special and that rules, social norms, and constraints do not apply to them. Often comfortable and not afraid to “break the rules to win”.
- Rage/Dysregulation: rage stems from an inability to handle shame or vulnerability, leading to tantrums that are meant to intimidate and re-assert dominance. They have difficulty regulating their emotions, resulting in outbursts that leave others walking on eggshells.
- Manipulation/Control: Narcissists use gaslighting, confusion, and invalidation to make their partners doubt their own reality. A common pattern involves initial “love bombing” or seduction followed quickly by devaluation, where they turn cold.
- Surface level Relationships: Many narcissists don’t have deep connections or long-term friendships. They view relationships as transactions where they receive admiration, support, gifts, or even sex, but give little in return.
Since narcissists place a high prevalence on money, many are actually very financially successful. Entrepreneur Elon Musk has been observed and labeled as a narcissist whose grandiosity, controlling nature, and “God Complex” has enabled his entrepreneurial success. But in his personal life, his own child has described him as an “uncaring and narcissistic” father.
**Fun Fact: Research suggests that narcissism is significantly more common among CEO’s and top executives than in the general population. Some studies suggest that upwards of 18% of CEO’s might be considered to have high levels of narcissism, compared to roughly 5% of the general U.S. population, making them up to three times more prevalent in top leadership roles.
“When you’re around someone who is narcissistic, it can often throw you off initially, because they’re so good at putting on that admiration seeking show. They can be charismatic, often quite smart, charming and very gripping. But over time, all of that superficial façade is met behind with a real lack of empathy, often a lack of compassion, they often don’t listen very well, they’ll be prone to patterns like deceit and lying. It’s not the stuff that is good for very connected relationships. And the fact is, the impacts of narcissism aren’t just in the intimate relationship. We see them in any critical relationships. Narcissistic parents, narcissistic children, siblings, friends, co-workers, and bosses. It behaves the same in all of those situations, but more than anything it often feels like we’re not being heard, we’re not being noticed, and in fact we’re often being criticized and rejected on a chronic day after day way.”
-Dr. Ramani Durvasula
People with high self-esteem and healthy confidence are secure and often lift others up, and have supportive and reciprocal friendships and relationships. Sadly, narcissistic men and women are all around us. Hold your boundaries and more importantly, protect your peace.
Narcissism is no doubt the secondhand smoke of our generation. If you are around it long enough, you too will get sick…